[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Coffee is ready.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Dead sexy!!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.