(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
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I can’t stop watching this.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
saw this in a dream
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.