Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
‘I know a black person’
– White people