Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up