@HomeWithPeanut

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

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@Marlebean

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

@lisaxy424

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

@Beer4AGoodTime

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

@rusty_coach

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

@carlyken

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

@mattZillaaaa

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

@rtothegow

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@NoticablyBacon

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way