Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
You Might Also Like
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.