@sween If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
@TheBoydP Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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@sween 
@Jack_Wagon1 If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
@david8hughes “Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
@DavidAdt1 Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
@MelvinofYork What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
@tastefactory *Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
@StarWarsProblms Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
@zacharyflynn If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
@davetureq Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
@ScepticalAussie 