Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?