Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Lmfaoooooo
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy