Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
The news
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*