Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
favorite tropes as memes
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
🤣🤣🤣
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?