Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
absolute chaos
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese