Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station