Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
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Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
So true for me
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to