[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
“I FIXED IT!”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
So the ex texted me
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
what could possibly go wrong?