Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?


Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.


I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.


If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.


I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood


Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars


Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.


[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”