Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
*bites zombie*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?