Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
decorating my apartment
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’m not lazy
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.