Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.