Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Waiting for the Charmin
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.