showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
new career option?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”