[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Doormats are a gateway rug.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.