Showerkraut
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade