[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I’m tired tomorrow.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I am patiently waiting for your email
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.