[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
You Might Also Like
Butt weight. There’s more!
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
WHY would you be happy about this?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.