*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.