[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Buck naked
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?