[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here