(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You Might Also Like
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
You wish you had this many chins.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩