[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
when nothing goes right… go left
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My what?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Sharon, call the vet
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”