[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.