@sofarrsogud

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

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@PinkCamoTO

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

@Vice_Queen

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

@pilau

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

@SupahDrone

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

@IamJackBoot

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

@BuckyIsotope

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

@DirtMcTurd

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.