[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Weighing up my bread heating options
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.