[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.