*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!