*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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dogs can find happiness so easily
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
ME: are you mad at me
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.