*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
me, after any kind of buffet.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My life in a nutshell
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?