*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
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*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
just gave your address to some spiders
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it