[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
getting groceries
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.