*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”