*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m sure it’s fine.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.