*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
this is me
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Its true…
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24