*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Clients after you give them your rates
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse