* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’