* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

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7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.


When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?


lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian


A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.


I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.


You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.


If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.


FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor


Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.


I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.