shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
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Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass