Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
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Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’d love this…lol
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.