Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
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The glory of fall.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.