@callieac8

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

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@dollfaceiam

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

@fatherofcomedy

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

@bourgeoisalien

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

@SondraDeeMe

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

@SomthinBoutSara

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

@katy_baybay

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.