Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
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*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?