*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that