shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
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CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.