*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.