*shrugs*
*swipes right*
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
S O O N
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men