*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
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I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER