Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
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I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”