SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Awwwww shit.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.